First thing I did when I had lost myself.

I had spiraled down until I lost the desire to do anything. I was frustrated, angry, confused, and lost. The bottom had been coming for some time but I was in denial. Things will get better when work gets lighter. Things will get better when spring comes and I get back out paddling and getting exercise again. Things will get better when…. But the hits kept coming and I got more frustrated, angry, and anxious. I kept trying to figure out how to fix everything and turning up no answers. I was so in my head that simple things became harder to focus on.

When I hit the bottom and realized there was no fixing my marriage and that it was truly over I felt my whole world had crashed down around me and I saw no hope or future. I was devastated and no longer just being negative but depressed. If you have ever experienced grief it often comes in waves and I felt like I was drowning. At first, I was embarrassed and didn’t want people to know. I felt like a complete failure. My closest family and friends knew something was wrong but I had been optimistic right up until it was made clear there was no chance of reconciliation.

At first, I kept my emotions bottled up inside. I was quickly overwhelmed and my fears took on catastrophic proportions. It left me feeling exhausted, unable to sleep and sapped my will to do anything. I believe depression would have followed if I had not opened up and begun dealing with my emotions.

Then I began calling people and crying a lot. The emotions just poured out. I didn’t feel much better but the talking kept me distracted and the wave would ebb after a while. It was random raw emotion and I’m sure I scared my loved ones quite a lot, but I was always able to reach someone when a fresh wave threatened to pull me under.

Although the closest people in my life were not psychologists and they couldn’t give me the tools to turn my thinking completely around. The simple act of just talking helped me be more present and pulled me out of my head long enough for the overwhelming feelings to subside. Knowing I was not alone and that I was cared for helped a lot. Of note, I was surprised by how good a listener some people were. I tried to talk to everyone and kept calling the people who made me the most calm and distanced myself from those who made me more anxious for the time being.

The waves of anxiety and grief are crushing but when I had people to talk to I could stay afloat and over time the waves got a little smaller and I started to be able to think logically again.

In my next post, I will share with you how once I could focus better I began searching for ways of combatting the fears and negative thoughts in my head. I was still lost and terrified of being alone. I knew that I needed more help and my friends and family were encouraging me to get more help as well. Then I found something that started to change my thinking…

Lastly, if you are overwhelmed and you can’t find anyone to talk to seek help. Talk to your doctor, get a therapist, talk to a religious leader if you are religious, or call a hotline. The crisis lines are: Call or text: 988 or Chat: 988lifeline.org

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